PPD Party

Wow, I stink about blogging. I think of something AMAZING and then...I forget to blog it. So much has happened since our newest addition made her hurried entrance. Well, so much in Ybarra land anyway. Cloth diapering, babywearing, baby snuggles, reflux, bedsharing, lots of pumping, not enough sleeping, sibling jealousy and the dreaded PPD. I honestly wouldn't change a thing but I would be lying if I said it wasn't all a challenge. I'm an exhausted mess if I'm being real here. So, rather than the fun stuff I have on my "Breeder to-do list" I'm going to discuss my Baby Blues today. Bear with me, won't you?

This isn't the first time I've experienced post-partum depression. Back in 98' when my eldest daughter was born I had a pretty nasty go-round and it didn't leave me for a few years. This time around I'm more aware of what it is, why I have it and maybe even how I can help myself. I'm trying lots of vitimin D, some Omega 3 and a nice B complex to combat the worst of it. For me, PPD is a beast because I'm not just fighting it, I'm also fight Bi-Polar.

Climbing out of bed these last 6 weeks has been an effort. I'm just so damn tired, I feel like I never slept at all. It's hard to motivate when you feel like you could easily fall flat on your face. I feel like I'm always up to my eyeballs in chores and responsibilities. Nothing gets done and what does get done is undone. Quickly. Kitty is going through the terrible 2's and even without all of this emotional baggage I'm hauling about lately she would still be a handful. I think the worst of it has been being forced to be introspective and think about things I haven't dealt with. Not really. Things like Ian's physical state declining so rapidly lately and the fact that his future is truly so uncertain. Ugly things.

Enough.

The truth is that I can let these things eat me alive or I can make an effort to pull myself out this funk and enjoy the blessings I've been given. I find that if I fill my time with projects it helps. I believe that's because it satiates my manic impulses and also keeps my mind on other things. Tiny little stiches go a long way in making you forget about the unpleasent things happening around you. The finished edit of a photograph you love makes you feel talented, and that makes you feel good about yourself.

It may not work for everyone but it's slowly working for me. It's hard to admit I don't have it all together all the time but I can't help but stumble along the way sometimes. I'm stumbling, it hurts, but I'm catching my stride again. See you on the other side.

Marian

I will totally get more in depth at a later date but wanted to make a quick post about our little girl's birth to share. So here goes!

Marian (pr. mah-dee-on) Rosemarie was born today at 2:01 pm weighing 7 lbs. 3 oz.!

I had bloody show and some crampy contractions yesterday. I thought maybe that would be the day but nothing ever came together and spaced out well. I did end up coming to the L&D but more b/c the baby wasn't moving as much as I would have liked and it was making me nervous. They monitered me for a few hours and gave me an Ambian to help me to sleep.

This morning I woke up to a contraction and called my mw. My BP has been looking pretty bad lately and because of that, having a birth at the Farm wasn't looking good. We decided that that coupled with a few other things meant that I should come to the hospital when the time came. I was bummed but understood. So, I got up and got the fam ready for Ian's eye appointement. Contractions were coming every 10-12 minutes so I knew I was fine. We went and I had them the whole time, when we left the office they were about 7 minutes apart. In the car on the way home they got a LOT stronger. I still figured I had a few hours to labor at home so we all went in the house and I figured I would hang out watch a little tv to take my mind off the pain. That didn't work so I did some Hynobabies. After about 20 minutes, I knew I needed to get my butt to the hossie. The contractions were so close together I couldn't tell one from the other! I told John to get the kids in the truck and we were off.

The ride over was AWFUL but mangable. I got up to L&D and was 5-6 cm. and having virtually no break between contractions. They had enough time to check my records for GBS and do a quick blood draw. All of a sudden felt super "pushy". They broke down the bed and my OB came in and did a quick check. He told to me push when I wanted and WOW did I! Marian came out in three pushes and I had been in my room less than 20 minutes at that point!

A little later the nurse came in and told me they were moving me to my pp room and asked if I wanted a wheelchair and I didn't. I just threw on my sweater and grabbed my bag and walked over. It was too funny because as we coming down the hall several other nurses were at the desk and one said "Wow! We heard about what happened and here you are walking to your room like nothing happened! You deserve a round of applause!" LOL

It was all super fast when it started and I have no tears and no stitches! My girl nurses like an old pro and has eaten twice today already.

I feel extremely blessed to have had the birth I wanted. I was sad about the Farm but still feel like I won the lottery. :) I had a whirlwind birth experience and wouldn't trade it for anything!

(I just had to post the gorgeous siggy Elena on Ivillage made for me! Thank you so much Miss Elena. Lovely work!)

Evictions and Bribery

Dear Bean,

Seriously, the contractions are killing me. Aren't you ready to come out of there yet? I know it's warm and comfy but really, how comfy can it be? You're swiftly running out of room and all of that squeezing can't be pleasent. In the interest of poor pelvis I'm willing to negotiate. How about I promise you all of the milk you drink, a new wardrobe and stardom? Yeah! Stardom! Believe me kid, you'll be famous.

So Bean, do your poor bloated Mama a favor and come out now? I can't wait to meet you.

Another Etsy Plug

I just had the sweetest convo with Lynn over at Handmaiden's Cottage at Etsy. She's doing some custom work me and I just LOVE her and her work. Bean and Kit's room will be done in sock monkies and Lynn makes the most adorable things in Moda's monkey fabrics. She's doing a coming home outfit for Bean in the prints and did a most fabulous pillow case for Kit.

I also wanted to share the dress that was for Kitty, Nomey the Garden Gnome. It's gorgeous and so well-made. If you have the chance, be sure to visit Miss Lynn and check out all of her lovely items. You won't be sorry you did.

Letter From the Outside

Dear Bean,

As I sit here wincing through another round of cervical kickboxing, I reflect on what got me here. Well, I mean I know what got me here but what I mean is, what the events that led to your conception were. We had just adjusted to your big sister, Kitty, being a toddler and doing those toddlery things she does. Daddy and I told one another after her birth that we were done having babies. That we were getting older, not so 20ish anymore, and that we would raise who we had and be selfish people who slept in on Sundays and ate lots of sushi and didn't have much grey hair. But...when I looked at her and your brother Ian and when I thought about your sister Anna and your oldest brother Aoghdan I thought to myself; "Surely we're not done yet."

We weren't.

Daddy and I decided that one more was the magic number and thinking on the 8 or so months it took us to get pregnant with Kitty, we decided to start trying right away. Two months later, there you were. Our little zygote. Our last chance at parenthood and all that comes with it.

Here I sit, just a month from meeting you and between fighting off heartburn, fatigue, dizziness and mood swings, I think to myself, I am one lucky girl. When you stir inside me it reminds me that love creates some pretty amazing things. Your little hiccups make me think on your father and how you were a gift of selflessness and love from him to me. One more baby to complete our family.

I can't wait to meet you Bean. I try to imagine what you will look like but I know in the end it will be a surprise. Brown hair or black, Kitty's almond complextion or will you be milky white like Ian and Anna and Aoghdan? For now, I content myself with your movements and the knowledge that soon, you'll make your appearance and we'll all get to meet you and smother with kisses.

Love,
Your Mommy

Diaper Cover Heaven

I love cloth diapers. Really, I do. What else could be so cute and double as baby-butt cover? I am having so much fun finding adorable cloth diapers and covers. The best part for me is that I get to buy them from talented small business owners and know that my pennies are really making a difference in someone's life.

If you don't know how much I love Etsy and what it has done for crafty people everywhere, you don't know much about me! I am a FAN-atic. Really! I wanted to share the awesome diaper covers I got from an awesome seller over at Etsy and rave about how wonderful they are. I bought one for Bean and one for Kitty. Kit's is so super cute and so well-made. She loves it, it works like a charm and Mama is happy. (Bean's is gorgeous too, just as of yet unused.)

Check out Brookiellen Designs, you won't be sorry you did.

Feel the Love

Is it so crazy to love the one you see each and every day? I see so much about losing that certain something for your significant other. The spark is gone, the love is lost, the kids are small...Oh mamas and daddies, we've all been there. I've been there, I imagine my John has been there. Can I just say that with some work it does get better? So so much better.

We recently celebrated ten years together and even through the lumps and bumps and yes, even a separation, I can honestly say; I love my man. I love him like no other. Lets celebrate our partners today. Lets remember why we love them and wanted to get in their pants in the first place. How about a short letter to your Hunny Bunny to say "I lurv you".

Here's mine:

Dear John,

You are my everything. I love your dark eyes and endless eyelashes. I love that scar on your arm and reaching out to feel it under my fingertips in the dead of the night makes me feel content and safe. The way you smell is home and without it, I would feel lost in a world I didn't know.

Thank you for our years together and all the sacrifices you've made to make our family more happy and secure. Thank you for our beautiful children and for loving all of my children as if they were your own. Thank you for this swelling belly stirring with life, one last time. Thank you for making me feel beautiful even when I'm waddling hot air balloon of a woman.

The thing that makes me happiest in life is knowing that one day, when the kids are all grown and the wrinkles have set in and the years have breezed by, I'll know that I loved you and that you loved me. That we were great together.

I love you.

Lets all take a day to love our lovers. Don't they deserve it?